Thank God I’m finally writing on this blog. I think it’s been 3 long months since I last visited this poor little page. So what now?
Well, I have a lot of things to share that I don’t know how or where to begin.
Okay first, how am I doing as a mom? Pretty fine (BUSY!). To be honest, since I got the job a few months ago, I’m feeling a LOT of mommy guilt since then. I didn’t feel this way before when I used to work in an office away from home. I mean, before, it wasn’t much of a big deal if I leave Zooey at home when I work. I don’t know, but I can’t remember exactly if I felt some guilt over leaving my kid with other’s care. And with “others” I mean the other family – her daddy’s family. Anyway, let’s focus on my concern.
So again, as I said, I’m feeling too much guilt for working. It just feels different. The days feel like going by so fast and too slow. Yeah, it’s irony. I don’t know but it’s hard to describe the feeling. First, it feels fast because my kids are growing up fast, which made me realize that I just missed spending a lot of times with them. I’m happy to observe that my kids, especially my little boy Zion, are growing up so fast, yet at the same time it’s just sad that I’m not there with them for the most part. Well, you might wonder why I’m saying that I’m not there for the most part when I only work at the office for just a few hours a day and the rest is spent with my kids at home. Yeah, I know that I work for maybe around 4-6 hrs ONLY and I spend the rest of my time with them, but it doesn’t feel enough. I mean, even if I spend 24 hours with them during my rest days, I still feel something’s lacking, something’s different. I’m afraid to admit that there’s too little connection now. My relationship with my kids are not that strong anymore compared to when I was taking care of them full-time. I have to confess that the times I spent with them feels empty sometimes, like there’s nothing exciting. Though we get to have a lot of fun times together, we spend many hours laughing together, it still feels different. I don’t know. I just feel being half full.
Wait, oh my God, such confession made me teary-eyed and I think I can hear myself questioning my motherhood. God, please don’t! Did I really miss a lot of my kids’ moments and special milestones? Did I work too much? Did leaving my kids to other’s care do well on them? Do I really need to work outside the house? Why shouldn’t I go back to working at home to be with my kids? Am I really working for my kids or just working for money?
more and more and more questions. .
This is just sad. The more I feel guilty, the more I ask, the more I miss the past.
I miss my kids. I miss working at home. I miss having my own schedule. I miss my kids distracting me while working. I miss this blog. I miss myself. I miss the feeling of being a proud mom. I miss feeling confident. I miss doing freelance jobs. I miss working late. I miss procrastinating work to attend to my kid’s concern. I miss the feeling of not hurrying up going to work. I miss posting pictures. I miss downloading baby videos for my kids. I miss using my camera phone to capture our daily life. I miss walking outside during sunset. I miss talking to Zooey about a lot of things. I miss the easy life. I miss this. I miss this kind of feeling, a feeling where I get to write a lot about my feelings.
Okay this has to stop. I did not intend to write this post like this, but I will publish this anyway just to preserve such feeling.
Alright, I need to compose myself back now. I’ll write back when this strange feeling is gone.