In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “An Extreme Tale.”
This is a timely post. I’m not proud to write this, but I know I have to. This is to remind myself that I need to be a better parent and I CAN be a better one. I am not a perfect mom and I fail in parenting many times on many ways. This isn’t okay but I’m doing my best to learn and to work on becoming a better person and a good parent to my kids.
Last Monday, I lost control. I had the best time but I became the worst mom ever.
As early as 9am, I got home from school and was surprised to see both kids already awake. My son wakes up early but my daughter usually gets up as late as 10am, so I was very happy to see them active a little early in the morning. In my mind, I quickly made a plan to go outside with them to enjoy a short stroll. To me, it was the best time to go out and experience the nice weather, with the bright and shiny sun in that cold morning.
But my plans and expectations never happen in reality. And that’s how I became the worst mom.
When I told my daughter to eat her breakfast so we can go out after, she didn’t obey me. She said she didn’t want to eat her meal but instead, she reached for the sweet biscuits. I told her she has to eat her rice meal first then can eat sweets after, but she didn’t seem to mind me and insisted on her sweets. When I asked her again to eat her meal first, she started frowning and giving me “angry” looks. She started stomping her feet and crying like a spoiled kid.
Then tantrums followed.
And because I was feeling tired and sleepy that time (I think I just slept for 5 hours that night before attending my early class), I immediately became impatient. I got mad and started to speak in a loud tone with a firm voice. I demanded her to put down her sweets and eat her rice. I became authoritative. She became more strong-willed. I was so angry that I started to yell at her and felt like my head was gonna explode my frustrations. I told her that eating sweets is not good for breakfast and she’d get sick if she’ll not eat her rice meal. But my words never changed her mind. She seemed to be more determined to not listen to me.
Then I didn’t realize that in less than 5 minutes, I was already holding a thin, long leather belt and threatened her that I’d punish her if she would not eat her breakfast. Still nothing. She cried and insisted on her sweets.
More yelling and more crying.
So I led her to our room and let her lie on the bed. And I became a monster.
One! Two! Three!
$H!T. WHAT THE -$@&*- DID I JUST DO??????!!!!
OH MY GOD. I HIT MY KID WITH A BELT. WHAT WAS I THINKING????
She cried even more and I also started crying. I felt like I was a monster. I can’t understand how I was feeling. I was so guilty.
Why did “PATIENCE” never occurred in my mind? What’s wrong with me?? She didn’t deserve that. For God’s sake it was just a stupid sweet biscuit! Why didn’t I just let her eat it? Hitting her was too much! I was too much. AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I hate myself! :'(
Honestly, I can never forgive myself for doing that. Even if I already talked to my kid about what happened and explained to her how I felt and why I disciplined her like that, I still can’t accept what I did. Though I already said sorry to her and everything’s good and things are back to normal now, I still feel the guilt of what I did. Though it seems to be a common “last resort” parental disciplinary action here in my country, I will never consider it a good thing to do. As a parent, l am writing this to remind myself how worst things can be when I loose control and patience, especially to my kids.
Since then, I have treated my kids much much better and I became more aware of my words and actions to them. To become a mom is easy, but mothering is just damn difficult.
Dear Self: Patience, patience, patience, and more patience, PLEASE. 🙁